A Matter of Faith
by Fate Believer
Summary: After the events in 2x17 what if Meredith hadn't been okay after the bomb exploded? AU from that point on.
1. Chapter 1

Title: A Matter of Faith

Author: Fate Believer

Pairing: M/D, B/C, some mentions of Addison and Derek

Summary: After the events of 2x17, what if Meredith hadn't been okay after the explosion? AU from that point on.

Rating: Teen to Mature.

Disclaimer: Grey's Anatomy does not belong to me. It belongs to Shonda Rhimes and ABC.

Author's Notes: First of all, this is my very first GA fic. This is the second time I've had to write this chapter because my computer ate it the first time. Secondly, some of these events DID take place, as they were noted in Nurse Debbie's blog.

Preston and Derek rode the elevator up to the fourth floor in silence. To be truthful, Preston had no idea what to say to his colleague that would bring him any comfort. He knew that had it been Cristina with her hand on the bomb, there would be no words of comfort, especially not if the said bomb had exploded with her in the hallway. He didn't think she was seriously injured, but she was unconscious for a good five minutes.

He'd made sure she had been checked out as soon as someone could get to her. Cristina had accompanied her and he knew all that Derek had seen of her was her being wheeled down to X-ray. He was certain she'd have a concussion at least, just due to the fact she had hit her head hard enough to knock her out. He had to give him credit though. He'd managed to successfully revive his patient, even after finding out that it was Meredith with the bomb. He hadn't lost his focus, although Cristina had said Dr .Sheppard had the same look in his eyes that Cristina had when she had found out he was going to be operating on a patient with live unexploded ammunition inside their body cavity.

Bailey's husband was going to be just fine, but Preston wasn't so sure about Derek. Derek had been silent since his last glimpse of Meredith. His eyes looked wild with worry, the same worry he had himself when Cristina had collapsed in the OR not too long ago. He mused on what that meant. It was no secret in this hospital that his fellow doctor still cared very much about Dr. Grey. He wondered briefly what this would mean for the Sheppard's marriage.

Preston liked Addison. She was brilliant, one of the best neo-natal surgeons in the country, and not mentioning the fact she had saved Cristina's life. As a doctor, he had the utmost respect for her. As a person, he didn't know what to make of her. Cristina didn't really care for her too much because of the whole Derek and Meredith thing and honestly, Preston didn't know if he could be as big of a man like Derek was to take back a woman who had cheated on him with his closest friend.

He had been surprised to learn that Meredith didn't know about Addison. He'd always though Derek to be an upstanding, honest, up-front kind of guy. So when he'd learned that the two women didn't know about one another, he'd been a little shocked. Now how Addison knew that Derek was sleeping with Meredith, well he was almost certain he knew how Addison had come across that bit of information. Chief Webber had after all brought Addison to Seattle.

The elevator stopped and the doors opened up. He and Derek both stepped out , heading towards the cluster of people waiting for them. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Derek's eyes darting around wildly.

"Derek, " he acknowledged.

"Preston, " was the answer he got.

Then they parted ways.

His brain had gone into auto-pilot when he saw Meredith being wheeled away. Preston had assured him that he thought Meredith merely only had a concussion, but Derek paid him no mind. He was the neurosurgeon after all. How he had managed to get through Tucker's surgery after Cristina broke the news that Meredith was the girl with the bomb, he still wasn't sure. His heart stopped at the same time Tucker's did.

Now, here he was amidst this group of people, and the one person he was looking for, he couldn't find. He wandered aimlessly, checking everywhere he could see.

_Please be okay, was the only thought running through his mind._

Actually, that was a lie. His mind was running a mile a minute, but that thought was the most prominent. The second thought was that she could have died and he would have never gotten the chance to tell her that he loved her.

He passed the Chief , who was standing watching him with his wife, Adele. Both of them were looking at him curiously.

"Where is she, " he asked, hoping he sounded calmer than he felt.

He got no answer.

"Where is she, " he repeated, not asking this time. No, he was sure that was a demand. He was also pretty sure he just raised his voice to his mentor.

"She's right here, " was the answer he finally got as he heard his name called.

"Derek , " a voice whispered. He turned. It was Addison. Rushing towards him and wrapping her arms around him. He embraced her automatically. His eyes found Chief Webber's and he fought the urge to push his wife away and run until he found Meredith.

"That was not the _she_ he was asking for , " he heard Adele tell Richard quietly before she walked off.

After talking to Bailey and checking on Tucker, Derek began his search again. He checked the on call room, thinking maybe she'd be resting, he checked the locker room, the cafeteria. No Meredith. He changed out of his scrubs and into his own clothes It occurred to him he hadn't seen Stevens or Yang either. He didn't like where his train of thought was heading as he approached Webber's office. Webber didn't even look up. Nor did he seem surprised that Derek was there.

"If you're looking for Grey, I sent her home with Stevens , " again, he didn't even look up from his paper work. Something that pissed Derek off to no end.

"You sent home a woman who sustained a head injury that left her unconscious? Please tell me you're joking Richard, " Derek replied, a hard edge creeping into his voice.

"First of all Dr, Sheppard, that woman is a doctor. She lives with doctors, I'm sure they are capable of watching her. Secondly, Dr. Grey is not your concern. I understand you're worried about her, but you made your choice. Go home to your wife, " Richard finally looked up at him.

Derek glared at him before turning and walking out of the office, slamming the door shut behind him.

_Go home to your wife, he fumed to himself. My wife wouldn't even be here if it wasn't for you! _

Derek felt a small pang of guilt. Addison probably would have shown up sooner or later. Derek just really wished it would have been later. He had been planning on telling Meredith about Addison the night that she had shown up. Unfortunately, Addison had beat him to it. He still wasn't able to shake the image of her face when she found out.

It bugged the hell out of him that he had been able to tell Addison that he was in love with Meredith, but not been able to tell Meredith herself. He could still recall her speech to him before he made his choice.

_Pick me, Derek. Choose me. Love me._

Oh why hadn't he listened to his heart instead of his head?

He fished his keys out of his pocket and headed towards the parking lot.

He had to make sure she was alright.


	2. Chapter 2

Title: A Matter of Faith

Author: Fate Believer

Pairing: M/D, B/C, some mentions of Addison and Derek

Summary: After the events of 2x17, what if Meredith hadn't been okay after the explosion? AU from that point on.

Rating: Teen to Mature.

Disclaimer: Grey's Anatomy does not belong to me. It belongs to Shonda Rhimes and ABC.

Author's Notes: First of all, this is my very first GA fic. This is the second time I've had to write this chapter because my computer ate it the first time. Secondly, some of these events DID take place, as they were noted in Nurse Debbie's blog.

He shifted nervously outside the doorstep of Meredith's house. He had knocked on the door, trying to cause as little noise as possible. He knew if nothing else she would have one hell of a headache, so he didn't want to ring the doorbell and make it worse. He heard footsteps coming down the stairs and couldn't help but be disappointed when he saw Izzy coming to the door.

"Dr. Sheppard , " she sounded surprised.

"Hi Izzy. I just wanted to stop by and see how Meredith was doing... " his voice trailed off as his eyes darted around her, hoping to see Meredith somewhere.

"Actually, she's laying down right now, but I can get her for you, if you want , " Izzy replied, sounding just a little uncertain.

He hesitated for just a moment.

" Would you? I just need to see for myself she's okay , " he really hoped he sounded casual.

Izzy opened the door up wider to let him in and took off up the stairs. He stepped inside and closed the door behind him quietly. It felt odd to be standing here as a guest, when he had practically lived here for quite some time. Nothing had changed really. Everything was still in it's same place. His eyes darted nervously towards the stairs, waiting for Meredith to appear. Minutes ticked by and he started to get worried. That's when Izzy appeared at the top of the stairs. She looked upset and more importantly she looked frightened. She didn't even get the whole sentence out of her mouth before he was bounding up the stairs.

"Meredith's not waking up, " was all she said.

For the second time that day his heart had stopped. He'd all but shoved Izzy out of the way in his hurry to make it towards Meredith's room...what used to be their room. He couldn't think about that right now. He was by her side in a flash, gently shaking her.

"Meri, wake up , " he tried softly.

"I already tried that , " Izzy cried.

He ignored her and tried again.

Still nothing.

"Izzy, get on the phone. Tell Chief Webber to prep an exam room, we're on our way to the hospital , " Derek barked at her as he scooped Meredith's tiny body in his arms.

"I'm coming with you, "Izzy called after him as they both hurried down the stairs, Izzy's fingers frantically dialing the number to Seattle Grace.

He didn't argue, didn't have the energy, just merely nodded.

Izzy drove. He sat in the backseat trying frantically to get Meredith wake up. He checked her pupils. Nothing. It was at that moment he really started to get scared.

Addison Sheppard had scoured every inch of the hospital and had yet to find any sign of her husband. She had even called over to Joe's to see if he might have gone over there to have a drink. God knows she wouldn't blame him for that. After today, she needed a few drinks herself.

Never in all her career had she been in a hospital with a Code Black. A Code Black on the same floor her husband had been operating on. She loved Derek, and she understood his need to help Bailey. Surgeons were, after all, control freaks. Derek was in charge of that situation. That was his way of keeping his cool.

She had selfishly wished at that moment that it was anyone but her husband operating on Tucker.

Not to mention the fact that Burke and Grey were the ones actually in with the bomb. She had froze when she heard that the paramedic had flipped out and that somehow or other, Meredith Grey ended up being the one with her hand on the bomb. Her first thought was thanking God for the bomb not going off. Her second thought was it was Meredith with her hand on the bomb.

Addison didn't hate Meredith. She couldn't. How could you hate someone for something that they had no control over? Meredith didn't make Derek fall in love with her. From what she could see, the woman was struggling very desperately to move past what had happened. She couldn't imagine it was easy. Having to see them together at work probably didn't help. Addison didn't know if she could do it herself, had Derek chosen Meredith over her. Even now his words still came back to haunt her.

"_I'm not saying this to hurt you or because I wanna leave you, because I don't. Meredith wasn't a fling. She wasn't revenge. I fell in love with her. That doesn't go away just because I decided to stay with you. " _

Anyone could see that her husband wasn't over Meredith. It wasn't hard to notice. The way his eyes always found her, no matter where she was. The look of longing that he always had when stepping out of an elevator with her. Addison understood that look. She got it herself sometimes when thinking about Mark and their life back in New York. She loved her husband and she was glad they had decided to try and work it out, but sometimes it was hard. Addison had fallen in love with Mark, out of loneliness. Derek had fallen in love with Meredith. The only difference was Addison had a whole country away from Mark to get over him. Derek was still in the same building as Meredith. Still, it begged the one question that had been nagging her since that night he had confessed his feelings.

_Will he ever fall out of love with her?_


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: I happen to be a fan of both Addison and Meredith, but I AM a D/M shipper. However, I love my Addy as she is really hard to hate. I'm trying to include everyone in it, so just be patient with me. Again, my first Grey's fic, but I did try and put some research into the medical stuff...even if I don't always understand it.

Derek rushed through the doors of the ER with Meredith in his arms, Izzy trailing hot at his heels. He called out to the nurses and doctor's who met him with a stretcher for Meredith.

"Patient's name, Meredith Grey, age 27, suffered a blow to the head earlier in the day from the explosion, pupils are unresponsive , " Derek barked out at the people around him as he lay Meredith down.

"I want a CAT scan stat, page Chief Webber, tell him to meet us down here ASAP, " Derek continued on as they hurried her into ER.

"Already here, " he heard Webber call out from behind him.

Derek shot him a glare.

"You said she was okay. You _sent her home , _" Derek's voice rose up with anger.

"Now's not the time, Sheppard. I've got another neuro on his way down. This isn't your patient ," Webber informed him as he stopped Derek from following any further.

"I'm the best damn neurosurgeon in this hospital and you're telling me she's not my patient, "

Derek answered him angrily.

Richard softened.

"I'm telling you she's not your patient because I don't think you want to be responsible for anything that happens to her, " Richard told him gently.

"No, _you're _the one that is responsible if anything happens to her! You sent her home after she had been knocked unconscious. You should have kept her over-night for observation! This is your fault, " Derek exclaimed in a voice no one in the hospital had ever heard him use before.

"Derek, calm down- , " Richard tried again, but was cut off.

"I'm not going to calm down! I love that woman and if she dies..." Derek couldn't even finish the sentence.

Which is right about the time that Addison appeared.

"I'm not going to calm down! I love that woman and if she dies... ," she could hear Derek's angry voice from the elevators. Her heart broke a little when she heard his declaration. What in the world was going on?

"Addison, " Richard looked relieved to see her. Derek shot her a glance out of the corner of his eye, as he ran his fingers through his hair.

"What's going on , " she asked, watching Derek intently. He was pacing like a caged animal and there was an anger in his eyes she'd never seen before. Not even when he'd caught her in bed with Mark.

"What's going on is that he sent a patient home who sustained a serious head injury and now we can't get her to wake up , " Derek informed her angrily.

Addison didn't have to ask who the patient was. She just knew.

"Derek, you need to calm down. You're not helping anyone right now, least of all Meredith. You think she'd want you out here screaming at Richard , " Addison gently laid a hand on his arm, half expecting him to tell her to get lost.

He surprised her. He took a deep breath and lowered his voice. When he looked at her, his eyes were shining like glass from tears that he was refusing to let fall.

" She's got to be alright, Addy. She _has _to be alright... , " Derek whispered to her.

Not knowing what else to do or say, Addison just wrapped her arms around him, hoping to provide him just the smallest bit of comfort.

That was when he cried.

The waiting room was full by now. Burke had called Cristina as soon as the news reached him. Alex and George hadn't even left the hospital, so Izzy had them paged immediately. Dr, Bailey was still in recovery, but she was waiting on an update as soon as it came in. Addison and Derek sat off to one side, with Derek staring blankly off into space. Webber was conferring quietly with Meredith's doctor. As soon as the doctor walked away, Derek was out of his seat in a flash.

"What is it, " Derek asked, bracing himself for the worst.

" Acute subdural hematoma on her frontal lobe, " Webber told him, never meeting his eyes.

Derek had expected that.

" I'm doing her surgery , " Derek stated.

" Derek, I don't think- , " Webber started off.

" The chances of her surviving are fifty-fifty. You know that as well as I do. And you know damn well I'm not going to let anyone else cut open her skull , " Derek cut him off.

" They're still trying to relieve the pressure right now, but when the time comes...I'll allow you to due her surgery , " Webber conceded.

Derek said nothing, just stalked off in the direction her doctor had gone in.

He tried to prepare himself for seeing her lying in that hospital bed, hooked up to all those machines, but he realized no amount of preparation would do him any good when he finally found her.

She looked so tiny in that big bed, all those wires running out of her. He could hear the steady rhythm of her heart on the monitor and it did nothing to comfort him.

He pulled a chair up beside her bed and took her hand in both of his.

_It's not supposed to be like this. She was supposed to be fine. She's a doctor, she doesn't belong in this bed. _

Not knowing what else to do, Derek Sheppard bowed his head and began to pray.

That was how Cristina found him, with his head laying on the bed over their hands. She'd always regarded Derek Sheppard as a strong man, always in charge of a situation. He was after all Head of Neurology for a reason. This was one situation he didn't have control over though. Cristina had never seen a man who looked broken, but she imagined that a broken man looked a lot like the one before her now.

" She had a feeling she was going to die today , " Cristina spoke to no one in particular.

" She's _not_ going to die today. She's not going to die at all , " Derek's voice answered her.

" She had a feeling she was going to die and all she could think about was that she couldn't remember the last time you kissed, when you were still happy , " Cristina continued on, ignoring him as if he'd never spoken.

Derek had no response to that.

" New CT results are in. Pressure is going down on her brain. You should be able to operate soon , " she told him.

" When you told me that she was the girl with the bomb, I think my heart stopped. Literally. I think it just froze in my chest , " he responded.

" You got through it, though. You were able to do your job. You have to know she's going to be alright , " Cristina replied.

" What if she's not? What if she dies while I'm trying to save her? "

Cristina didn't know what to say.


	4. Chapter 4

A/N's: Thanks to everyone for the awesome reviews. I can't believe this story has already been hit 300 times in less than a day. I love feedback, in fact, I thrive on it. I like to know what the audience thinks. This story is centered around the fact that Derek was indeed livid that Meredith had been sent home after sustaining a head injury from an explosion. Derek's a neurosurgeon and I like to think he knows what he's talking about.

Derek Sheppard was not a praying man. It wasn't that he didn't believe in God, it was just more that he believed in medicine more. Never once in career had he been frightened over performing a surgery. This was no ordinary surgery though. This was a surgery to cut open the skull of the woman he loved more than his own life. How could anyone not be frightened about doing that?

He knew the risks behind this surgery. It was one he had performed a million times. He knew it was like a coin toss up. He also knew that she could wake up and not be his Meredith anymore. She could wake up and not be able to practice medicine ever again. Hell, she could wake up and not remember who he was.

_Can't think like that Sheppard. She's going to wake up and she's going to be just fine. Then, you can spend the rest of your life trying to make up for the pain you caused her. _

He'd thought about the time he had wasted. Time that he was with Addison that should have been time with her. His tiny, brilliant, beautiful Meredith with her tiny , inneffectual fists. He couldn't pin point the exact time in which he fell in love with her. He was pretty sure it was after their first surgery together. It was then he realized her passion as a doctor. Oh, he had known her passion as a woman. Her passion for medicine and for life had been astounding.

Meredith wouldn't want him to doubt himself. No, she believed in him as a surgeon. Now, all he had to do was prove her right.

She hadn't meant to fall asleep. In fact, she didn't even remember falling asleep. Izzy had been checking on her every five minutes making sure she didn't fall asleep. Now, all Meredith wanted to do was wake up. Her head hurt and her eyes felt heavy. Like sandbags. She knew she was in the hospital. What she didn't know was how she got there. Izzy had gone downstairs to answer the door...and after that she had no clue.

She wanted to scream, do something, anything to let them know she was alright. Yet, her body was just too tired and her head hurt too much. Alone, with her thoughts Meredith thought about the only thing that brought her comfort.

_Derek._

She was fairly certain she had heard his voice earlier. She could have been dreaming, but she knew she had heard it. Was he there with her? Was he her doctor? Meredith didn't know the answer to either one of those questions, but the thought of him being her doctor brought her comfort. Derek was the best at what he did and she knew that if anybody could fix her, it would be him. She was pretty sure she needed fixing very badly. Otherwise she'd be able to wake up, right?

Loving that man was one of the best and worst things Meredith has ever done. He drives her crazy and sometimes she wants to strangle him. Other times she wants nothing more than to lose herself in his arms. The one place she has always felt safest. She recalls that day in the closest when he helped her to calm down and she had cried in his arms, confiding her fear that she didn't want her mother to die alone.

She remembered the way he looked at her and how she had been so sure he was going to kiss her. It was wrong, because he was still married and he hadn't chose her, but in that moment Meredith had just wanted to forget about all that, because she loved him and she wanted to draw comfort from him. Rational thinking however had won out and she had high tailed it out of the closest, leaving him alone.

There was one thing Meredith did know for a fact though.

_He won't let me die. _

As he prepared himself for surgery, Derek did his best to not let his fear show. He'd heard the whispers all morning from the staff, questioning his judgment and ability to perform this surgery. It annoyed him. Did they honestly expect him to let someone else do this surgery? He shook his head as he scrubbed in. His eyes stayed focused on Meredith's small form on that operating table.

_I'm going to get the chance to make all of this up to you, Meri. I swear it. _

Twenty minutes later, he tried not to think about the fact it was Meredith's brain he was operating on. Couldn't think about it. Wouldn't think about it. He needed to do something, anything to keep himself focused on the task at hand. Cristina's words came back to him from earlier.

_She had a feeling she was going to die and all she could think about was that she couldn't remember the last time you had kissed, when you were still happy._

Without thinking, Derek opened his mouth and begin to speak, forgetting about everyone else around him.

" It was a Thursday morning. You were wearing that ratty little Dartmouth t-shirt you look so good in, the one with the hole in the back of the neck. You just washed your hair, smelled like some kind of . . . flower. I was running late for surgery. You said you were gonna see me later. Then you leaned into me, put your hand on my chest . . . and then you kissed me. Soft . . . quick, it was kinda like a habit. You know, like we'd do it every day for the rest of our lives. You went back to reading the newspaper, and I went to work. That was the last time we kissed , " he told her as if she were wide awake and able to hear him.

Behind her scrub mask, Cristina Yang smiled. Everyone else looked confused, but she knew exactly what was going on.

Surgery was successful and Derek still wasn't sure how he had managed to her or himself that matter through it. There had been no complications during surgery and all that was left to do now was to wait. Wait for her to wake up. Derek hated waiting, wasn't really even a patient man by nature. Yet, here he found himself by her bedside again, holding her hand and talking to her about the things that didn't really even matter. He wasn't sure who he was trying to help. Himself or her. Didn't matter either way really.

Addison had stopped by earlier in the day to bring him a change of clothes and a few things he might need from home. They hadn't talked much at all, but Addison had delivered the divorce papers with his clothes and handed them to him with a watery smile. He felt bad, but at the same time, he knew they were making the right decision. If any one thing had become clearer than glass to him during this whole thing was that Meredith was who he wanted to be with. More than anything. Which is why he kept vigil by her beside until she woke up.

Of course he had to be asleep when it happened.

It took great effort to open her eyes, but she almost wanted to dance with joy when she did. Never again did she want to fall asleep. Nope, you could get enough sleep when you died and Meredith knew she had come close enough to dying for her liking. She attempted to move her hand, but quickly found she couldn't. She panicked, but only for a moment. There was something, or someone for that matter, laying on her hand.

Derek.

Her head still hurt, but a small smile touched her lips. He didn't even stir until she tried to extract her hand from his. His head found a comfortable spot to rest in again and she thought he had fallen back asleep. Her mind kept repeating the words he said to her while they were in the operating room. How had he known about the kiss thing? She certainly hadn't said anything about it to anyone, except her roommates. Meredith put two and two together. Deciding to let him sleep a little while longer, Meredith ran her fingers through his hair and closed her eyes again.

"Lavender. My hair smelled like Lavender from my conditioner ," Meredith whispered before drifting back asleep.


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: Still want to say thanks to everyone for checking this story out! I'm hoping to keep it going for a while, but I am about to start a revisionist history series for GA so I hope you guys will check it out too!

Derek awoke the next morning a bit disoriented. His head felt heavier than usual and he couldn't figure out why. His hands groped around for a moment before finally coming in contact with soft, warm skin. His head shot up and he looked at Meredith questioningly. Her eyes were closed and her breathing was even. Her cheeks had more color to them and he felt reassured.

" Good morning, Dr. Sheperd , " Olivia said quietly as she made her way into Meredith's room.

"Morning. How's she doing today , " Derek asked.

" She's doing terrific. She woke up this morning, but she wouldn't let us wake you , " Olivia replied as she checked over Meredith.

"She's awake , " Derek sounded confused.

" She's just sleeping now. All that medication makes her tired. I'm sure she'll be up again soon , " Olivia told him soothingly.

Of all the times for him to be asleep, of course she would wake up then.

" Hey, she _is_ in the room you know , " Meredith's voice interrupted them groggily.

Olivia scurried out of the room. Derek took Meredith's hand in his and kissed it.

" You know, Dr. Grey there are much better ways of getting attention , " he said by way of greeting.

" Yes, because I don't see the inside of this hospital nearly enough , " Meredith replied dryly.

" How are you feeling ," he asked, the doctor in him starting to surface.

" Like a bomb exploded in my face and someone cut open my head , " she replied cheekily.

" That good huh , " Derek grinned, pleased that she had retained a sense of humor.

" I've got quite a headache and I never want to go to sleep again, but I think you didn't do any permanent damage while tinkering around up in my brain , " she replied.

He gave her a playful glare before turning serious.

" You gave me quite a scare. What in the hell were you thinking, going home before I could check you out myself , " the last part came out with a little bit more anger than he'd intended.

She winced.

" Sorry, it's just...a bomb went off in front of your face. You were unconscious for a good five minutes. Do you not know how terrified I was for you , " he asked.

" I thought I was fine. I _am_ a doctor after all. Besides, I didn't want to bother you. "

" You didn't want to _bother _me? Did that bomb knock something loose in that pretty little head of yours? It bothered me more that you didn't come to me! "

" Enough with the yelling! Just stop! My head hurts, Derek and you're not helping. Why are you even here anyways? Don't you patients to tend to, " she snapped at him, irritated that he was treating her like a two year old.

Immediately, he backed down.

" Okay. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to yell. It's just...when I thought you could die. God, Meri, I couldn't breathe. It was like someone had taken my heart in their fist and squeezed as hard as they could. "

" I really didn't mean to worry anyone. Besides, I didn't think you'd really care all that much, " she knew she probably shouldn't have said that as soon it left her lips.

He recoiled as though she had slapped him.

"You didn't think I'd care, " his voice came out in a whisper.

She opened her mouth to answer him, but was interrupted by his pager going off. He looked down at it frustrated.

"I have to go check on a patient, but don't think for one second this conversation is over. "

She watched him leave the room sadly before closing her eyes and drifting back asleep.

He had never fully realized just exactly how much he had hurt the woman he loved until the very moment she told him she thought he didn't care. Now, he realized he had a lot more to apologize for than making the wrong choice. In his mind, he had convinced himself he had done the right thing. He was raised to believe you don't just give up without trying. Well, now he had tried and he had not only made himself miserable, but Meredith and Addison as well. If only he had just signed the damn papers when she handed to him.

For once in his life, he hated the fact he had morals and beliefs. All this time he could have been happy with Meredith was lost due to the fact he just _had_ to do the honorable thing. He had broken her spirit and that was what hurt him the most. When he had met Meredith, she had been like coming up for air after being stuck underwater. She was bright, energetic, and her smile could pull him from the worst of moods. Now, she was simply there. She rarely ever smiled, at least not at him. He couldn't blame her for that one.

Meredith had helped to change him from New York Derek to Seattle Derek. He liked Seattle Derek far better than New York Derek. The man he was back in New York always indulged himself in the finest of everything. Here, he enjoyed the simpler things in life. Like walking Doc and watching the sunset. Here he was a happier man. Well, he had been up until Addison appeared.

He couldn't blame this on Addison though. Addison hadn't made his choice for him and he had chosen to stay with her. Meredith had opened herself up to him and he had just shut the door on her. Nope, he most certainly couldn't blame her for not smiling at him. He counted himself lucky she hadn't shot him when he refused to leave her alone. Now, his biggest concern was to how to clean up the mess he had created.


End file.
